Chapter 2

It’s been a month since mine and Eva’s last sexual encounter; two months since she said no; a month since our last hug or kiss; since my last ‘I love you baby’ from me. She says it all the time, but I just can’t anymore. I feel it! I still do I just, I hurt.

We both woke up around 6pm and now we lay in silence which for me is awkward, but I’m sure for Eva it is just a normal comforting silence. She suddenly turns in my arms,

“You know I love you babe, right?” And I do know this.

“Yeah, I do.” I reply; she doesn’t even need to ask, no matter how I act towards her.

“Then why do we need to get married? I mean if we love each other, why can’t we wait till were, I don’t know 30? We don’t need to get married now, and I know I hurt you by saying no, but I’m honestly not ready for something that committed. I'm still young! You’re still young and we have so much to learn before we go putting diamond rings on each others fingers.” I let her talk without any interruptions because I honestly wanted to see the real reason behind her saying no is ,and I haven’t given her the chance in the last month.

“But if we love each other, why not get married? I'm not saying we have to get married today or tomorrow or even next week or next month! I just... I want to marry you.”

As I think back on that sentence over and over in my head, it really doesn’t make to much sense to me as why I said it. Why didn’t I just listen to her? Why didn’t I just accept the fact that she wasn’t fucking ready? Because I’m stubborn, and I’ve been told this many times and I never listened, because well, I’m stubborn. 

“And we will get married. I will marry you just... Kendal why don’t you propose to me again in say, in 3 or 4 years? Maybe then I’ll be ready.”

“Then why don’t you just fuck off!!” I yelled loudly. I pushed the covers off of me and starting looking for some clothes to put on from my drawer. 

SLAM!

“You know I don’t get you. We’ve been together for so long Eva! Why are you being a bitch and wasting my time because you’re supposedly ‘not ready’?” I mimicked her at the end of that sentence, and I’m guessing from the look on her face it wasn’t too smart.

She looked at me like I just ran over her cute, little puppy, and I immediately felt bad; I hated how angry I got sometimes; sometimes even afraid at how angry I got.

“Eva... I’m so—“

“No.” One simple word said with so much emotion.

She scurries to get some clothes on and slips on a pair of sweats and I sweater over a tank top.

“You know, when you wanted to wait to have sex when we first got together, did I pressure you to fuck me? No I waited because I knew you weren’t ready, and you wanted it to be special. You wanted us to love each other before we made—“She gets cut off by a sob that was stuck in her throat trying to make its way up. She lifts her hands and wipes the tears that have started to fall.

“And did I wait? Yes I did, because I love you so much Kendal. I’m so young, and I don’t want to make the mistake of marrying too young, because if I did I would regret it.” She takes a breath in as she goes and looks in the mirror at her tear stricken face.

“You’re not going to let this go are you?”

 I’ve thought of this question over the past month, and I honestly don’t know if I can. I just can’t,

“I can’t.” I look up at her in the mirror as I say this; our eyes meet, and I know exactly what she’s going to say by those green eyes. Those eyes filled with hope, love, and sadness. She turns her body around and leans on the dresser.

“Then... then I can’t do this,” at this admission I can feel my heart break into a million pieces.

“Eva ple—please I—just—I take it back, I can get over it,” even though I know I couldn’t.

I rush over to her and grab her face lightly but forcefully, and force her to look me in the eyes.

“Please, Eva. Please!” I'm begging now, I love this girl so much, so deeply and I can’t live without her, “Please don’t leave me, I can’t—“

She pulls my hands off her face, and I collapse on the floor. I hear her cry above me as I curl up into a little pathetic ball, murmuring words of forgiveness and I love you’s.

And that brings me to here, right now, me sitting in my 2008 black mustang convertible looking out at the sunset like me and Eva used to do all the time. I loved doing this with her; we would joke around or just talk or hold each other. When I was about 16, I always wanted a place to be my own. Where I could go to sit and think, or to cry, or yell. Whatever I wanted and I found it when I was 19, a few days after I met Eva. It’s in this forest where I found a path sort of thing big enough for my car to fit through, the path led to the top of a hill that looked over part of the City. It was so beautiful it was even a close first to how gorgeous Eva was.

Eva, I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s been a month of pure torture. After she left the house I decided to call her a bunch of times and tell her to come home so we could work this out. She didn’t come home till morning, and when she did, all hell broke loose. She came through the door and told me that she was moving out; she was looking for a place and leaving me behind; us behind. I pleaded and I begged, but she wouldn’t give in. She was moving out when the lease was up, which was in 2 months now.

When she said that she wasn’t changing her mind about her moving, or our relationship, something just snapped in my head. I started throwing things, punching the walls, flipping tables and desks over. I remember Eva yelling for me to stop, but I was so blinded by my rage, and my tears, that when she reached to grab for me, I grabbed her wrist with my strength and anger, and I raised my hand to her. I had turned around and lifted my hand to hit her. And the look on her face, the look she gave me; she was terrified and scared; so was I.

As I search in my mind for the millionth time, I guess I did want to hit her, she was breaking us up, our life, our home, our future; my future. I loved this woman with all my heart; I lost my family so I could be with her, and it all seemed like a waste now. Even though I wanted to hit her, in my mind I also know I never would. I would never be my dad, and I promised myself that. I would never hit my queen; my princess; my love.

After the realization of what just occurred, I left. I just walked straight for the door leaving Eva in the mess of a house, and the mess of a relationship that I started from one simple question.

I left just like she left us, but I was leaving in a different way; A cowardly way.

When I cross paths with Eva at the house I can’t even look at her, even though she forgave me, I can’t forgive myself. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore, and I always thought that that would never happen to me; where my reflection scares me, my eyes dark, but not from lust, but from pain, regret and sadness. Losing this girl is the worst thing that could happen, but when I raised my hand to Eva, that was the absolutely worst thing that could ever happen.

All I want is for her it to be happy, with or without me. So I’m going to give it to her.

End of Chapter 2